Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
