I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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