my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
