I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
