I'm pants shitting drunk right now
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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