my room smells like sperm. sweet.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
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If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
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as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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