My friends, they love my intelligence
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
