I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Randomize
