I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
