The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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