Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
