Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
