wrigley field is MILF paradise
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I still have a little drunk in my system
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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