He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
