All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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