i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
