As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
