On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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