I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Randomize
