there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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