Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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