there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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