put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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