my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
