Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
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You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
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Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
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