god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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