this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
She even gives head with a lisp.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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