why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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