3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
