I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Randomize
