Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
