you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
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