Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
