my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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