I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
