so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
