So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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