So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize