Barsexuality is the new black.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
