they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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