oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
