He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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