woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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