I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Your topless pictures make me question reality
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
