no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
