I skipped work to stalk him.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
