When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
