bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
