Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
The beer is more important than you right now.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
