It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
She bit a glass in half.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
