Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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