peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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