So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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