I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
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