Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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