Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
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Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
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Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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