i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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