He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
It's shark week go big or go home
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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